Old Survival Strategies, New Relationship Problems
Exploring Terry Real’s “Five Losing Strategies”
Tigers fighting
Many of the patterns that create tension in our relationships began as intelligent adaptations to impossible situations we may have faced in ealry life.
In Terry Real's Relational Life Therapy model, these patterns are described as “five losing strategies”. There are ways our adaptive inner child learned to manage closeness, conflict, and emotional vulnerability.
As kids, we depended on the people around us for connection, protection, and belonging. If our early environments were unpredictable, critical, and distant, we learned ways of protecting ourselves. These strategies helped us preserve dignity, maintain connection, or reduce conflict.
Terry Real names five of these strategies: being right, controlling your partner, unbridled self-expression, retaliation, and withdrawal. They tend to map onto familiar stress responses such as fight, flight, or freeze.
Each strategy carries a sincere positive intention. Each also tends to push partners further apart when it becomes the default way of relating.
Understanding these strategies invites a shift from blame toward curiosity. Instead of asking, “What is wrong with us?” we can begin asking, “What context made this response necessary?”
1. Being Right
What it looks like
The focus shifts toward proving whose version of events is more accurate.
You might notice:
Correcting your partner’s recollection of what happened
Focusing on facts rather than emotional experience
Interrupting in order to clarify the “real” story
Feeling morally certain that your position is justified
This strategy often carries the energy of self-righteous indignation.
The positive intent
Being right protects dignity. It guards against feeling dismissed, misunderstood, or blamed.
For many people, accuracy once meant survival.
Our inner child learned:
If I can prove my point, I will be taken seriously.
Repattern your relationship by practicing
Listening for the emotional meaning beneath your partner’s words
Acknowledging their experience, even when it differs from yours
Asking questions that invite understanding rather than defense
Remembering that connection matters more than accuracy
Over time, we learn:
Two people can see the same moment differently and remain connected.
2. Controlling Your Partner
What it looks like
Telling your partner how they should feel or behave
Explaining repeatedly what they need to change
Monitoring their choices or decisions
Using pressure, guilt, or ultimatums
Control often emerges when anxiety about the relationship increases. If we can manage our partner’s behavior, we might feel safer.
The positive intent
Control attempts to create stability. Our inner child learned that managing people or circumstances could help prevent chaos.
The inner logic becomes:
If I manage things carefully enough, nothing will fall apart.
Repattern your relationship by practicing
Expressing what you feel and what you need without directing your partner’s behavior
Sharing the impact of something rather than issuing instructions
Prioritizing collaboration over compliance
Allow space for your partner’s autonomy
We learn:
I can ask for what I need without managing another person.
3. Unbridled Self-Expression
What it looks like
This strategy prioritizes emotional release over relational impact.
You might notice:
Saying whatever comes to mind in moments of anger or frustration
Venting feelings without considering tone or timing
Equating restraint with inauthenticity
Believing honesty requires immediate expression
Your truth matters and is important. We run into trouble when it’s expressed without consideration.
The positive intent
Unbridled self-expression protects aliveness. It resists suppression.
For many people, speaking freely feels like reclaiming a voice that had been constrained.
We may have learned:
My feelings must come out immediately, or they will never be heard.
Repattern your relationship by practicing
Pausing before speaking when emotions surge
Sharing feelings without attacking your partner’s character
Choosing timing and tone intentionally
Balancing honesty with kindness
We learn:
My feelings can be expressed in ways that invite closeness.
4. Retaliation
What it looks like
Retaliation arises from a wounded place. The internal message often sounds like:
If you hurt me, you will feel it too.
This may appear as:
Sarcasm or cutting remarks
Bringing up past mistakes during conflict
Withdrawing affection as punishment
Passive-aggressive behavior
The person retaliating often feels deeply wronged.
The positive intent
Retaliation attempts to restore fairness. It can be an attempt to balance the emotional scales and get justice.
The inner logic becomes
If I make you feel what I feel, you will finally understand.
Repattern your relationship by practicing
Naming the hurt directly rather than acting it out
Describing the impact of what happened
Asking for repair instead of revenge
Our inner child learns:
My pain can be spoken and heard.
5. Withdrawal
What it looks like
Withdrawal often appears as emotional disappearance.
Examples include:
Shutting down during difficult conversations
Ending discussions abruptly
Becoming quiet, distant, or unreachable
Disengaging when conflict escalates
Withdrawal differs from taking a thoughtful pause. A healthy pause includes an intention to return and reconnect. Withdrawal often carries resignation or protest.
The positive intent
Withdrawal protects against overwhelm.
In early life, disengagement may have prevented situations from becoming even more intense.
The inner message becomes:
If I disappear, I will remain intact.
Repattern your relationship by practicing
Asking for a pause when overwhelm rises
Letting your partner know you intend to return to the conversation
Speaking about what is happening internally
Practicing gradual re-engagement with difficult discussions
We learn:
I can stay present while protecting my capacity.
The Heart of the Matter
These five strategies did a valiant job of protecting at some point in our timeline. They helped us navigate environments where connection may have felt overwhelming or unpredictable. They were intelligent responses to real circumstances.
Recognizing these patterns allows us to meet ourselves with compassion rather than shame.
As we begin to recognize these adaptive strategies, we can choose to try on new practices that support deeper connection.
Sam Trivett, RCC, is a Trauma therapist offering relationship therapy in Vancouver, BC.
